I received a text from friends yesterday letting me know they are about to book tickets for them and for me to an open air theatre production in July and asking "is that OK?" in a way that implied they expected it would be. Kev really loved this particular event; we've attended it along with these friends for years and always aimed to have a picnic in the grounds first depending on the weather. I've got a real dilemma now as I just don't know if I will be able to go.
One problem I've had since Kev's death is that I've struggled to return to places that evoke strong memories, whether good or bad. It is not just that the experience is emotionally painful, I get physical reactions such as intense nausea, heart pounding and shaking, then often flashback nightmares which will involve that particular context. Sometimes these reactions take me completely by surprise. For example, just recently I had to drive past the turning to the canal where we often used to walk the dog/ go for a cup of tea. As I approached the turn off, I had the feelings of nausea again and began shaking so badly that I had to pull over as I didn't feel safe to drive.
The reason for this is very likely to be the sudden, unexpected and traumatic nature of Kev's death ( I found him along with my son and attempted to resuscitate him, the flashback nightmares always involve this.) In fact my doctor has now diagnosed post traumatic stress syndrome and given me medication which stops the heart pounding but has little effect on feelings of nausea and distress or the nightmares which follow and/ or precede a visit to places with strong memories. These reactions began very soon after Kev's death, I never anticipated that I would still be suffering from them five months later. My doctor has explained that having had a history of childhood sexual abuse has made me more likely to develop PTSD and has offered to refer me for bereavement counselling.I'd like to say that I will be OK to go to the play in July but I can't be in any way confident that this will be the case.
Although this couple are in many ways very good friends, we always did things together, we never really talked at any deep level. I've been out with them for lunch and been round to theirs for a meal but if I have ever mentioned Kev, I've sensed they feel uncomfortable. Their incredibly kind way of helping me is to offer company and trips out rather than talking. In many ways I have to say this suits me just fine but I suspect if I told them why I don't want to go they would be uncomfortable and embarrassed -and I might be as well.
So, what to do? I could a. tell them b. make a general excuse c. say to book and then cancel later if needed. Why does life have to be so complicated?