This morning I received a card wishing me a Happy New Year from Kev's family, a great relief to know that they hadn't forgotten about me (or Kev) and that they most likely found it easier to send a card than to phone. I was quite touched as a card takes more planning in some ways than a call. I feel now that I should really phone them- and this does give me a pretext as I can thank them for their card, whereas without that gesture I would have feared getting in touch due to seeming too needy. I have to say I will still find it difficult to phone- it is amazing how difficult I even find tiny decisions like that at the moment -but I will try tomorrow.
Speaking about decisions , tomorrow will be a difficult day as we are going down the the crematorium to look at plaques and monuments and decide what do with the ashes. I got a call from the undertakers just before Christmas to remind me about this and I know it is something I have to get around to. Just before the funeral someone asked me about what we would be doing regarding the ashes- they actually asked me what I would put on the headstone or plaque.My reaction to this surprised me as I felt anger and outrage... mainly because at some level I was in denial about what had happened. It seemed to be hurrying things on far too much, and to be honest I simply didn't want to accept that my husband was dead and that he would need a headstone.
Another hurdle facing me soon is going back to work again after the Christmas break. I don't want to and it feels just as bad as going back the first time and that leads me to thinking about bigger decisions about my future.I was already burnt out and exhausted at work before Kev died, and I can't seem to generate the energy it requires. Another things that makes returning hard is that we had pretty much decided that I would hand my notice to leave at the end of this academic year. I had even talked to the Principal about this possibility and she had asked me to do so by January to allow them to have time to find a suitable replacement (legally I have until May as I need to give three months notice.) I am now in a different financial position with our income more than halved; there is the small problem of living and also supporting two sons, one who is working part time on the minimum wage and the other at university. I really don't know what to do as I am not sure anyone should stay in a job like mine when their heart is no longer in it.
In the medium to long term I have to make these decisions. At the moment even very simple ones, like getting out of bed or what to eat seem to be challenging on bad days.I feel like I've been brain damaged or something, it is so weird how difficult simple things can be. So for now it is "baby steps" (a friend's advice), a phone call, a visit to the crem and then perhaps in time I can tackle the bigger things.